Top 5 Reasons Your Relationships Go Sideways:

We all have had that experience when we thought things were going great in our relationship, and then something changes, and we end up breaking up. "Where did I go wrong?" we ask ourselves, trying to find the point in the relationship when the wheels came off. It is human nature to want to connect and find a life partner to move through our life journey with us. We are not taught how to be a good partner to someone else and how to ask for what we need from our partner. Here is a list of 5 common mistakes we tend to make in our relationships:

1. Poor communication: Esther Perel, an expert on intimacy and desire, says this about communication: "When are ability to consider + understand the feelings of others decreases, our relationships suffer." In other words, when you start to listen to just respond, instead of listening to understand, you lose the message. We all want to feel listened to and understood; without that, the connection between you and the person becomes compromised. We then make the person the problem, instead of the problem being the problem.

2. Creating an identity of what we want the person to be, instead of accepting them for who they are. As Dr. John Gottman put it," People can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted the way they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, and unappreciated, they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves." We need to believe match them.

3. People pleasing is a safety behaviour: By having people like me, they are less likely to have conflict with me. This leads the people pleaser to start emotionally regulating their partner. This is seen a lot in relationships where one partner has ADHD, and the other partner doesn't. Either the person with ADHD is constantly looking for facial, behavioural, or tone of voice cues to see if their partner is in a good or bad emotional state. If it is bad, then I will wait to tell my partner some information that they may not like. Always looking for the right "time" to discuss hard subjects and assuming the emotional response of my partner. I used to do this with my husband, and let me tell you, it is exhausting. Always checking and watching and assessing his every facial expression and movement and assigning a reason for it. People pleasing pleased everyone else and not myself, leaving me very unhappy, but not allowing myself to express that.

4. Boundaries: boundaries are what I am okay with and what I am not okay with, and here is the consequence if you cross my boundary. A boundary without a consequence is a request, and people can say "no" to a request. Boundaries bring clarity to the relationship; they allow your partner to know where you stand on an issue. Remember what Tony Gaskins is quoted to say, " You teach people how to treat you." You do this by allowing certain behaviours. If I allow you to call me names, then I taught you that this is not a deal breaker for me. Until I get so fed up that I leave instead of putting a boundary in about name-calling, with the consequence of leaving if this behaviour continues.

5. Lack of self-love: This is the most important one of them all. Without self-love, I don't know what it feels like to give and receive love. Without self-love, I am relying on my partner to make me happy, and their happiness impacts my well-being. I have now tasked my partner to complete me, give me self-esteem, and teach me my worth. If I don't love myself, I then believe that I am unlovable and will accept bad behaviour because that is all I deserve. It is also exhausting for your partner to constantly have to reassure you that you are enough, to make decisions for you, and to feel responsible for your well-being. That is a big ask!

In short, we screw up our relationship with others because we have a crappy one with ourselves. If you can learn to love yourself, you will naturally put boundaries in place, see people for who they are, so you can assess whether they are a good match for you. You will listen to understand instead of defending because you will be solid in who you are and what you can give. The healthiest relationships are comprised of two people who love themselves and are willing to work with their partner on any problems they have by using clear communication, accepting their partner for who they are, and setting healthy boundaries.